The other day I was checking the oil in my car, and I found myself thinking, who'd have ever thought I'd be checking my own oil? Sounds pretty pathetic, because basic car care maintenance is not a very impressive accomplishment. But when I got my first car (Hilary, the trusty blue Saturn), I didn't even know how to pop the hood, let alone find the dipstick. Which led to extended mental wanderings of all the other situations I have found myself in that I would not have ever believed a few years ago.
What follows is a mix of the frivolous and the very personal. I've always expressed myself best through writing, so hopefully it makes for a decent read. Regardless, it's a catharsis for me to be able to get it out. Be kind to me.
Moving West
I called the state of Minnesota home for 24 years. All the major developments of my early life (birthdays, graduations, marriage) took place within about a twenty-mile radius of the greater St. Paul metropolitan area. I hold Minnesota very deep in my heart, and I don't think I would ever have left unless I had a damn good reason to. Enter T, the aformentioned damn good reason. Before I knew it I was off to Ohio in Hilary, with a trunk full of my lifelong belongings and a randy eight week old golden retriever puppy in the passenger seat (with her leash tied to the door handle). Since then, we have criss-crossed across much of the country, and most recently found ourselves plopped out in the California desert. I didn't even know California had a desert. But what an unexpected blessing it has been to see new places, experience different regional cultures, and meet new friends! It's always sad to leave, but a new adventure comes with each new assignment.
Domestic Wifehood
I graduated from college with degrees in business and geography, and promptly went to work in the international freight industry, handling customs paperwork and inland freight moves. I always wanted to be successful, but lacked that ambition to push to the top of the corporate ladder. When the economy hit the fan, I bounced from company to company as a few of them went under due to the sudden lack of international shipments. Then my migraine headaches really took off right around the time we left Minnesota, and I took some time off from working to focus on my health. It's now been over three years since I was last employed. Time flies. Initially it bothered me a bit, but I soon discovered that the life of a stay-at-home wife suited me. I don't mean to sound like a character on Mad Men, but I enjoy seeing T off to work, making the meals, and keeping the house clean. He likes not having to worry about the stuff at home, and that I have a lot less trouble with my migraines because I'm able to rest when I need it - which makes for a more pleasant wife and marriage. It isn't for everyone, but it sure works for us. And I think that's feminism at its best - being able to make the choice for yourself about what is best for your family. My career path has diverged dramatically from where I started out, certainly, but I couldn't be more fulfilled and happy today than if I were a high-powered doctor or lawyer.
Culinary Perils
In the same vein as my lack of car care skills, when T and I got married I had no talent whatsoever in the kitchen. T was shocked (and endlessly amused) to find that I struggled to open a can. So so so pathetic. My specialties were grilled cheese and microwave popcorn. I soon realized that this was an area in which I was going to have to improve. Enter hours of Food Network programming, cookbook reading, experimentation, and nearly blowing up the kitchen and myself a few times. As the months passed, I got better. And even cooler, I was enjoying myself! I would never say that my cooking is great, but passable. I expanded my exploits to baking and even canning. California is a wonderful place to live, because we have such great access to fresh produce year-round. I can't wait to make another batch of fresh salsa, or try a new jam recipe. Yes, a little June Cleaver, but it keeps me occupied.
Impending Motherhood
I have always wanted to be a mom, and after getting married, I was so excited at the prospect of having kids young, and being a stay-at-home parent. After a year of attempts, it became clear this was not going to be as easy as I had thought. Six months of fertility treatments while we were living in Ohio followed. It was the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my whole life. For one, at age 25 I felt like the youngest woman in the world to ever to have fertility problems. I felt physically crappy, was emotionally volatile due to the hormones, and became socially isolated. It's hard enough to make friends in a new place when everything is going great, but when you're dealing with something so personal that also happens to keep you in bed a lot, it's almost impossible. All the treatments failed, and we were told that unless we underwent invitro, and the sooner the better, we would probably not have biological children. That was right around when we got orders to California.
When I got to California, I felt like I could breathe again. I hadn't poked myself in the stomach with a needle in weeks, I had energy, and was happy and refreshed. T felt similarly, and we both realized that an extended break from treatments was in order. We knew invitro was going to be difficult (more like impossible) to afford, and frankly I wasn't sure I could handle any more procedures. We started thinking about life would be like without children. I sat with it for months. Though it wasn't how I'd seen things playing out, I realized my life could still be happy and fulfilled without kids. Having a wonderful marriage with T, a great extended family, two silly dogs, and fabulous friends - all in all I was leading a charmed life.
In January, a year after our last failed fertility treatment, we received the shock of our lives - I was pregnant. Naturally. Now each day I watch my belly grow a little bigger, feel baby move a little more, and I realize just how truly unpredictable life is.
"Don't ask me how to get started
It's all uncharted"
~Sara Bareilles~
