Burning Rubber

I came. I saw. I conquered the 405.

Today I had a doctor appointment at UCLA, scheduled over the lunch hour. When I asked a local friend how much time to allow from the Antelope Valley, she told me 3 hours. 3 hours for an 80 mile trip. Queue anxiety attack. Driving has never been at the top of my list for fun things to do. It's not relaxing, or calming, or any other synonym for stress reduction. My neck gets tight, my butt falls asleep, I mindlessly listen to the same Taylor Swift mix CDs over and over, spill pop all over the cupholders, and then of course, there are the crazy Angelenos. They have an unnerving propensity to weave recklessly in and out of lanes. They never signal. If the speed limit is 65 and you're going 10 over, you may as well be Grandma Delores in her ancient Buick, because everyone else will be running you down.

This morning I gathered my courage, and drove through the mountains into Santa Clarita to greet the massive pile of metal and humanity known as the morning rush on the 405. There was a lot of deep breathing (which led to the oh so pleasant inhalation of tractor trailer fumes), white knuckles, and calling out to various angels and saints, but I got to my appointment 45 minutes early, which was actually just perfect for my first visit since I had to check in and get paperwork done. I was glad I followed my friend's 3 hour rule, or I would have cut it too close. I showed only minimal levels of fear, and I triumphed. And yet, today was the first day I truly wished I could keep up with the Kardashians. Because then I would have a chauffeur, and I would never have to drive again.

Lessons learned today about driving in LA metropolitan area traffic:
1) Stay in the middle lanes as much as possible, it lessens the chance you'll have to swing across multiple lanes of traffic suddenly in case of road construction or an accident.
2) Use a GPS AND print out directions that you've read ahead of time. If your GPS is anything like mine, it sometimes has a mind of its own. It helps if you have a general idea of what turns are coming up in the back of your mind if it goes haywire. Otherwise you'll be driving out of your way while "Sabrina the Navigator" recalculates.
3) Prepare the proper amount of mix CDs. Too many is better than not enough, and radio stinks in the mountains, unless you fancy Travis Tritt.
4) Eat a sufficient breakfast, or prepare to be distracted by the loud gurglings of your own stomach
5) Forget "Minnesota Nice." Be aggressive when necessary and prepare intimidating facial expressions to deploy on fellow drivers. I modeled mine after Mr. Freeze (played by Cali's own Arnold Schwarzenegger) from the movie Batman & Robin. When someone tries to cut you off, shout "You're not sending ME to the Cooler!" in your best Arnold voice and glare. It works.

The best part of my day was coming home to my quiet house in a little town where traffic doesn't exist, to my two goofy dogs who are always excited when mommy comes home.